Golf is a game in which you yell "fore"... shoot six... and write down five.

~ Paul Harvey

 

It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.

~ Hank Aaron

 

I have a tip that can take five strokes off anyone's golf game. It is called an eraser.

~ Arnold Palmer

 

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.

~ Phyllis Diller

 

Golf is a game where the ball always lies poorly and the player always lies well.

~ Anonymous

 

I had a wonderful experience on the golf course today. I had a hole in nothing. Missed the ball and sank the divot.

~ Don Adams

 

Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun.

~ Jim Bishop

 

I tried real hard to play golf, and I was so bad at it they would have to check me for ticks at the end of the round because I'd spent about half the day in the woods.

~ Jeff Foxworthy

 

The woods are full of long drivers.

~ Harvey Penick

 

When the ducks are walking, you know it is too windy to be playing golf.

~ Dave Stockton

 

If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.

~ Thomas Mulligan

 

Someone once told me that there is more to life than golf. I think it was my ex-wife.

~ Bruce Lansky

 

Of all the hazards, fear is the worst.

~ Sam Snead

 

The most important shot in golf is the next one.

~ Ben Hogan

 

The best advice I can give for playing a ball out of water is - don't.

~ Tony Lema

 

That putt had more breaks than a government job.

~ Brian Weis

 

I can airmail the golf ball, but sometimes I don't put the right address on it.

~ Jim Dent

 

Never break your putter and your driver in the same round or you're dead.

~ Tommy Bolt

 

The older I get, the better I used to be.

~ Lee Trevino

 

Keep close count of your nickels and dimes, stay away from whiskey, and never concede a putt.

~ Sam Snead

 

Concentration comes out of a combination of confidence and hunger.

~ Arnold Palmer

 

Golf's three ugliest words: still your shot.

~ Dave Marr

 

A routine is not a routine if you have to think about it.

~ Davis Love Jr.

 

Through the ball we are all the same. We just have different ways of getting it there.

~ Charles Coody

 

The golf swing is like a suitcase into which we are trying to pack one too many things.

~ John Updike

 

The older you get the stronger the wind gets... and it's always in your face.

~ Jack Nicklaus

 

Golf is 20 percent talent and 80 percent management.

~ Ben Hogan

 

Never bet with anyone you meet on the first tee who has a deep suntan, a 1-iron in his bag, and squinty eyes.

~ Dave Marr

 

This is a game of misses. The guy who misses the best is going to win.

~ Ben Hogan

 

A good one iron shot is about as easy to come by as an understanding wife.

~ Dan Jenkins

 

I never learned anything from a match that I won.

~ Bobby Jones

 

Golf is a better game played downhill.

~ Jack Nicklaus

 

The more you play it the less you know about it.

~ Patty Berg

 

I went to play golf and tried to shoot my age, but I shot my weight instead.

~ Bob Hope

 

I'm about five inches from being an outstanding golfer. That's the distance my left ear is from my right.

~ Ben Crenshaw

 

One thing about golf is you don't know why you play bad and why you play good.

~ George Archer

 

It takes hundreds of good golf shots to gain confidence, but only one bad one to lose it.

~ Jack Nicklaus

 

Concentrate on hitting the green. The cup will come to you.

~ Cary Middlecoff

 

Missing a short putt does not mean you have to hit your next drive out of bounds.

~ Henry Cotton

 

The proper score for a businessman golfer is 90. If he is better than that he is neglecting his business. If he's worse, he's neglecting his golf.

~ St Andrews Rotary Club Member

 

Baseball reveals character; golf exposes it.

~ Ernie Banks

 

Nothing goes down slower than a golf handicap.

~ Bobby Nichols

 

Real golfers, no matter what the provocation, never strike a caddie with the driver. The sand wedge is far more effective.

~ Huxtable Pippey

 

The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody put a flagstick on top.

~ Pete Dye

 

My golf is improving. Yesterday I hit the ball in one!

~ Jane Swan

 

You know you're on the Senior Tour when your back goes out more than you do.

~ Bob Bruce

 

There are three roads to ruin; women, gambling, and golf. The most pleasant is with women, the quickest is with gambling, but the surest is with golf.

~ Andrew Perry

 

Golf is just a game - and an idiotic game most of the time.

~ Mark Calcavecchia

 

Talking to a golf ball won't do you any good, unless you do it while your opponent is teeing off.

~ Bruce Lansky

 

A golfer has to train his swing on the practice tee, then trust it on the course.

~ Dr Bob Rotella

 

You swing your best when you have the fewest things to think about.

~ Bobby Jones

 

When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.

~ Henry Beard

 

Half of golf is fun; the other half is putting.

~ Peter Dobereiner

 

Golf is the only game I know of that actually becomes harder the longer you play it.

~ Bobby Jones

 

Golf is the closest game to the game we call life. You get bad breaks from good shots; you get good breaks from bad shots - but you have to play the ball where it lies.

~ Bobby Jones

 

Golf is 20 percent mechanics and technique. The other 80 pecent is philosophy, humor, tragedy, romance, melodrama, companionship, camaraderie, cussedness and conversation.

~ Grantland Rice

 

I was lying ten and had a thirty-five foot putt. I whispered over my shoulder: "How does this one break?" And my caddie said, "Who cares?"

~ Jack Lemmon

 

It's so ridiculous to see a golfer with a one foot putt and everybody is saying "Shhh" and not moving a muscle. Then we allow nineteen year-old kids to face a game-deciding free throw with seventeen thousand people yelling.

~ Al McGuire

 

If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt.

~ Dean Martin

 

I may be the only golfer never to have broken a single putter, if you don't count the one I twisted into a loop and threw into a bush.

~ Thomas Boswell

 

I enjoy the oohs! and aahs! from the gallery when I hit my drives. But I'm getting pretty tired of the awws! and uhhs! when I miss the putt.

~ John Daly

 

Go ahead and putt, you are not interrupting my conversation.

~ Robert E. Zorn

 

Do I have to know rules and all that crap? Then forget it. (when asked whether he'd like to join the Royal and Ancient Golf Club, after winning the '95 British Open at St. Andrews)

~ John Daly

 

There are two basic rules which should never be broken. Be subtle. And don't, for God's sake, try to do business with anyone who's having a bad game.

~ William Davis

 

The only thing you should force in a golf swing is the club back in the bag.

~ Byron Nelson

 

As far as swing and techniques are concerned, I don't know diddly squat. When I'm playing well, I don't even take aim.

~ Fred Couples

 

No one ever swung too slowly.

~ Bobby Jones

 

The golf swing is like sex: you can't be thinking of the mechanics of the act while you're doing it.

~ Dave Hill

 

If you think your hands are more important in your golf swing than your legs, try walking a hole on your hands.

~ Gary Player

 

My swing is so bad I look like a caveman killing his lunch.

~ Lee Trevino

 

Forget the last shot. It takes so long to accept that you can't always replicate your swing. The only thing you can control is your attitude toward the next shot.

~ Mark McCumber

 

Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because the cart cannot count, criticize or laugh.

~ Anonymous

 

When I die, bury me on the golf course so my husband will visit.

~ Anonymous

 

I don't exaggerate - I just remember big.

~ Chi Chi Rodriguez

 

I don't fear death, but I sure don't like those three-footers for par.

~ Chi Chi Rodriguez

 

The most rewarding things you do in life are often the ones that look like they cannot be done.

~ Arnold Palmer

 

It's a funny thing, the more I practice the luckier I get.

~ Arnold Palmer

 

I never rooted against an opponent, but I never rooted for him either.

~ Arnold Palmer

 

Grip it and rip it. It works for John Daly. It never worked for me. All I did was wear out golf gloves.

~ Chuck Stark

 

Practice puts brains in your muscles.

~ Sam Snead

 

The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree.

~ Brian Weis

 

Swinging at daisies is like playing electric guitar with a tennis racket: if it were that easy, we could all be Jerry Garcia. The ball changes everything.

~ Michael Bamberger

 

Swing hard in case you hit it.

~ Dan Marino

 

My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered.

~ Lord Robertson

 

When it's breezy, hit it easy.

~ Davis Love, Jr.

 

These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow.

~ Sam Snead

 

A hungry dog hunts best.

~ Lee Trevino

 

You can talk to a fade but a hook won't listen.

~ Lee Trevino

 

I was three over. One over a house, one over a patio, and one over a swimming pool.

~ George Brett

 

Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that.

~ Jim Murray

 

The only sure rule in golf is - he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie.

~ Mickey Mantle

 

Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them.

~ Kevin Costner

 

You can't go into a shop and buy a good game of golf.

~ Sam Snead

 

If some players took a fork to their mouths the way they take the club back, they'd starve to death.ﾔ

~ Sam Snead

 

There are no short hitters on the tour anymore, just long and unbelievably long.

~ Sam Snead

 

One hundred years of experience had demonstrated that the game is temporary insanity practiced in a pasture.

~ Dave Kindred

 

To play golf you need goofy pants and a fat ass.

~ Happy Gilmore

 

Real pressure in golf is playing for $10 when you've only got $5 in your pocket.

~ Lee Trevino

 

Golf is the hardest game in the world. There is no way you can ever get it. Just when you think you do, the game jumps up and puts you in your place.

~ Ben Crenshaw

 

Fame is addictive. Money is addictive. Attention is addictive. But golf is second to none.

~ Marc Anthony 

 

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.

~ Jack Benny

 

I don't like to watch golf on television because I can't stand people who whisper.

~ David Brenner

 

My wife, she still gives me a hard time, and says I hunt too much or I like to play golf too much. And she's probably right, but it sure beats some of the things I used to do.

~ Brett Favre

 

There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different games, one played in the air, and the other on the ground.

~ Ben Hogan

 

Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you're the best.

~ Jack Nicklaus

 

A kid grows up a lot faster on the golf course. Golf teaches you how to behave.

~ Jack Nicklaus

 

Golf is the most useless outdoor game ever devised to waste the time and try the spirit of man.

~ Westbrook Pegler

 

Golf is a puzzle without an answer. I've played the game for 40 years and I still haven't the slightest idea how to play.

~ Gary Player

 

Golf is the only sport that a professional can enjoy playing with his friends.

~ Chi Chi Rodriguez

 

I guess there is nothing that will get your mind off everything like golf. I have never been depressed enough to take up the game, but they say you get so sore at yourself you forget to hate your enemies.

~ Will Rogers

 

Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness.

~ William Wordsworth

 

Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.

~ Harry Vardon

 

The only thing a golfer needs is more daylight.

~ Ben Hogan

 

The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf. It's almost a law.

~ H G Wells

 

I never pray on a golf course. Actually, the Lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the course.

~ Billy Graham

 

If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.

~ Bob Hope

 

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

~ Henry Youngman

 

If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.

~ Jack Lemmon

 

'Play it as it lies' is one of the fundamental dictates of golf. The other is 'Wear it if it clashes'.

~ Henry Beard

 

My golf game's gone off so much that when I went fishing a couple of weeks ago my first cast missed the lake.

~ Ben Crenshaw

 

The greens are harder than a whore's heart [Winged Foot Golf Club, New York]

~ Sam Snead

 

There is no such thing as natural touch. Touch is something you create by hitting millions of golf balls.

~ Lee Trevino

 

The older you get, the easier it is to shoot your age.

~ Jerry Barber

 

May thy ball lie in green pastures, and not in still waters.

~ Ben Hogan

 

That divot is so deep, I will need a sod cutter to fix it.

~ Brian Weis

 

Never take a mulligan on a par 3. A "hole in three" is not a fun story to relive.

~ Brian Weis

 

I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.

~ Greg Norman

 

Give me the fresh air, a beautiful partner, and a nice round of golf... and you can keep the fresh air and the round of golf.

~ Jack Benny

 

You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work.

~ Lee Trevino

 

I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced.

~ Lee Trevino

 

These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow.

~ Sam Snead

 

Bad Sausage and five bogeys will give you a stomach ache every time.

~ Miller Barber

 

The first time I played the Masters, I was so nervous I drank a bottle of rum before I teed off. I shot the happiest 83 of my life.

~ Chi Chi Rodriguez

 

After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye.

~ Chi Chi Rodriguez

 

Golf combines two favorite American pastimes: taking long walks and hitting things with a stick.

~ P.J. O'Rourke

 

Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into an even smaller hole, with weapons singularly ill-designed for the purpose.

~ Winston Churchill

 

Practice puts brains in your muscles.

 ~ Sam Snead

 

Swinging at daisies is like playing electric guitar with a tennis racket: if it were that easy, we could all be Jerry Garcia. The ball changes everything.

~ Michael Bamberger

 

Golf is the hardest game in the world to play and the easiest to cheat at.

~ Dave Hill

 

I was asked by a golfer how to lower his scores. I replied start playing 9 holes instead of 18. I worked for me, it cut my scores in half.

~ Brian Weis